How Not to Be a High School Helicopter Parent

From: http://www.usnews.com/education/best-high-schools/articles/2015/05/12/how-not-to-be-a-high-school-helicopter-parent

The change from middle school to high school, while daunting to students, can be equally anxiety-inducing for parents. 

For adults, the pressure to have their children get the right grades, do the right activities and get into the right college can sometimes seem overwhelming. Enter the helicopter parent – the well-intentioned mother or father who hovers so close to their teen that the child nearly gets lost in the propeller's dust cloud.

Helicopter parents have become "a colossal issue in the United States today," says Mark Reford, vice chair of BASIS Independent Schools, which runs private schools in California and New York.

Adults who prefer to keep a little more distance than helicopter parents –  to act more like airplane or satellite parents, to extend the metaphor – can easily help their children without going too far. Parents can follow these tips to make sure they are not crossing any lines. 

1. Avoid putting too much pressure on students to get good grades: While it's important for students to strive to do well in high school, putting too much emphasis on grades can backfire and make teens overly worried, says Darren Ritch, a parent of a high school student at Florida's West Port High School.

While he knows that parents shouldn't be checking their child's grades obsessively, he says he's been guilty of that behavior.   

"My son told me straight out, 'Hey Dad, you need to allow me to show you that I can be successful – you need to give me the space to show you that I can get this done,'" says Ritch. "You create a certain level of anxiety in your child if you are hovering over them every single night. You have to give them a little bit of rope." 

Even in the face of a looming C or D, parents should resist picking up a pencil and doing the work for their teen, experts say.

"Homework is supposed to be practice for the kid to get better," says Rhonda Buss, principal at California's Whitney High School. "If someone is doing it for them, then they aren't being prepared and it's actually cheating the kid."

2. Don't get too invested in the college application process: As appealing as it can be to live vicariously through a child, some parents may need to put their Ivy League dreams aside and realize their teens have different priorities, experts say.

"There are always those parents who are so totally involved in high school and then the college process and getting their kids internships," says Marian Casey, a parent of two high school students and one middle school student in private schools in Austin, Texas. "The parents are so stressed out about it and then in turn the kids are stressed out. I know that in high school they are supposed to be achieving a lot, but they are also still kids." 

3. Treat teachers with respect: While not every high teacher is going to be off-the-charts​ excellent, parents should keep in mind that most educators have the best of intentions, experts say. 

With that in mind, parents upset about what's happening in the classroom should think twice before firing off a terse email, leaving an angry voice mail​ or storming up to teachers after school. The behavior won't do your teen​ any favors and it ends up hurting faculty morale, Reford says.

"People really need to remember there is a human being who receives that email or that phone call – it can be incredibly painful for the teacher," Reford says. "Wait, and let your kids handle it. All of this gives emotional relief, but is it really what your kid needs?" 

4. Don't be in touch too often: "If you have a child in high school and you are touching base with your kid's teachers on a daily or weekly basis then you are profoundly disempowering your child," Reford says. "The message you are sending is, 'I don’t trust you to handle yourself.' Kids are really good at picking up the unspoken messages of adult behavior." 

High school is a time where parents need to allow their students to fail, experts say. Adults need to loosen their grip, let their children be independent and try to solve problems. 

As Casey puts it, "This is their world, and you do have to work hard to stay in the background."

But that doesn't mean parents have to stop advocating for their children, experts say. When Casey's oldest son ​was falling asleep during his first class, she decided to nudge him toward coffee. 

"We put a Keurig in my 10th-grader's​ bathroom and he drinks it on the way to school," she says. "You don’t have to tell them anything – ​we just work behind the scenes."