Why 'Bullying' Is the New 'Little Boy Who Cried Wolf'

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As a school counselor and educator on Bullying Prevention, I am privileged to meet with teachers, administrators, counselors, parents, and students from across the United States and Canada, who generously share with me personal experiences with bullying in their schools and communities. I'm not embarrassed to tell you that I frequently cry right along with parents and kids as they detail accounts of relentless cruelty, coupled with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. The common-ness of it all routinely astounds me with every new story I hear; the pervasive cruelty makes my jaw drop every time I listen.

It is important for me to begin this article by establishing that without doubt, most of the stories of bullying that are shared with me are horrifying and some are unspeakably cruel. But I also want to be honest and share that some of the stories are, well, really not so bad.

Take this story shared with me by a personal friend who had just learned about my professional work:

"Signe, this bullying thing is so bad nowadays! You'll never believe what happened to my daughter just yesterday. She was getting off of her bus when this kid from our neighborhood threw a fist-full of leaves and mulch right in her face! When she got home, she still had leaves in the hood of her coat. It's just awful! I don't know what to do about these bullies."

"Was she very upset when she got home?" I empathized.

"No. She just brushed the leaves off and told me they were having fun together," she said.

"Oh," I answered knowingly, aware that oftentimes kids try to downplay victimization by bullies from their parents, due to the embarrassment and shame they feel. "Did you get the sense she was covering for the boy?"

"No, no. She really seemed to think it was fun. She said that she threw leaves back at him, which I told her NEVER to do again! The nerve of those kids."

"Those 'kids,' I clarified. "Was it just the one boy throwing leaves or were there a bunch of kids all ganging up on her?"

"No, it was just this one boy that lives about a block from us," she assured me.

"Is he usually mean to her? Has he bothered her after school before?" I asked, eager at this point to figure out what the bullying issue was.

"No. I don't think so at least. That was the first time she ever said anything about him. It was definitely the first time that I noticed the leaves all over her coat. But it better be the last time! I won't stand for her being bullied by that kid. Next time, I am going to make sure the principal knows what is going on after school lets out!"

While I always want to be careful not to minimize anyone's experience (it's the social worker in me!), I hear these "alarming" (read: benign) stories often enough to conclude that there is an important need to draw a distinction between behavior that is rude, behavior that is mean, and behavior that is characteristic of bullying. I first heard bestselling children's author, Trudy Ludwig, talk about these distinguishing terms and, finding them so helpful, have gone on to use them as follows:

Rude = Inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts someone else.

A particular relative of mine (whose name it would be rude of me to mention) often looks my curly red hair up and down before inquiring in a sweet tone, "Have you ever thought about coloring your hair?" or "I think you look so much more sophisticated when you straighten your hair, Signe." This doting family member thinks she is helping me. The rest of the people in the room cringe at her boldness and I am left to wonder if being a brunette would suit me. Her comments can sting, but remembering that they come from a place of love--in her mind--helps me to remember what to do with the advice...

From kids, rudeness might look more like burping in someone's face, jumping ahead in line, bragging about achieving the highest grade, or even throwing a crushed up pile of leaves in someone's face. On their own, any of these behaviors could appear as elements of bullying, but when looked at in context, incidents of rudeness are usually spontaneous, unplanned inconsideration, based on thoughtlessness, poor manners, or narcissism, but not meant to actually hurt someone.

Mean = Purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone once (or maybe twice.)

The main distinction between "rude" and "mean" behavior has to do with intention; while rudeness is often unintentional, mean behavior very much aims to hurt or depreciate someone. Kids are mean to each other when they criticize clothing, appearance, intelligence, coolness, or just about anything else they can find to denigrate. Meanness also sounds like words spoken in anger--impulsive cruelty that is often regretted in short order. Very often, mean behavior in kids is motivated by angry feelings and/or the mis-guided goal of propping themselves up in comparison to the person they are putting down. Commonly, meanness in kids sounds an awful lot like:

"Are you seriously wearing that sweater again? Didn't you just wear it, like, last week? Get a life."
"You are so fat/ugly/stupid/gay."
"I hate you!"

Make no mistake; mean behaviors can wound deeply and adults make a huge difference in the lives of young people when they address mean behavior directly and consistently, establishing expectations of kindness and holding kids accountable when they deviate from standards of civility. Yet, meanness is different from bullying in important ways that should be understood and differentiated when it comes to intervention.

Bullying = Intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time, that involves an imbalance of power.

Experts agree that bullying entails three key elements: an intent to harm, a power imbalance, and repeated acts or threats of aggressive behavior. Kids who bully say or do something intentionally hurtful to others and they keep doing it, with no sense of regret or remorse--even when targets of bullying show or express their hurt or tell the aggressors to stop.

Bullying may be physical, verbal, relational, or carried out via technology:

Physical aggression was once the gold standard of bullying--the "sticks and stones" that made adults in charge stand up and take notice. This kind of bullying includes hitting, punching, kicking, spitting, tripping, hair-pulling, slamming a child into a locker, and a range of other behaviors that involve physical aggression.

Verbal aggression is what our parents used to advise us to "just ignore." We now know that despite the old adage, words and threats can, indeed, hurt and can even cause profound, lasting harm.

Relational aggression is a form of bullying in which kids use their friendship--or the threat of taking their friendship away--to hurt someone. Social exclusion, shunning, hazing, and rumor spreading are all forms of this pervasive type of bullying that can be especially beguiling and crushing to kids.

Cyberbullying is a specific form of bullying that involves technology. According to Hinduja and Patchin of the Cyberbullying Research Center, it is the "willful and repeated harm inflicted through the use of computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices." Notably, the likelihood of repeated harm is especially high with cyberbullying because electronic messages can be accessed by multiple parties, resulting in repeated exposure and repeated harm.

Why is it so important to make the distinction between rude, mean, and bullying?

In our culture of 24/7 news cycles and social media sound bytes, we have a better opportunity than ever before to bring attention to important issues. In the last few years, Americans have collectively paid attention to the issue of bullying like never before; millions of school children have been given a voice, 49 states in the U.S. have passed anti-bullying legislation, and thousands of adults have been trained in important strategies to keep kids safe and dignified in schools and communities. These are significant achievements and I could not be more pleased about the collective consciousness that has been raised on behalf of vulnerable young people!

At the same time, however, gratuitous references to bullying have already begun to create a burgeoning backlash against our hard-fought Awareness. School teachers and administrators feel overrun by the demands of conducting a formal investigation each time a student butts in line and is branded as a bully by his hypervigilant classmates. Parents, already instinctively defensive about their children, are becoming even more quick to deny and dismiss accusations of bullying behavior when the term is loosely applied to everything from accidental snubs at team-picking time to actual cruelty and purposeful exclusion. Indeed, when kids and parents improperly classify rudeness and mean behavior as bullying, we all run the risk of becoming so sick and tired of hearing the word that this actual life-and-death issue among young people loses its urgency as quickly as it rose to prominence.

It is important to distinguish between rude, mean and bullying so that teachers, school administrators, police, youth workers, parents and kids all know what to pay attention to and when to intervene. As we have heard too often in the news, a child's life may depend on a non-jaded adult's ability to discern between rudeness at the bus stop and life-altering bullying.

Signe Whitson is a school counselor and national educator on Bullying Prevention. She is the author of four books, including 8 Keys to End Bullying: Strategies for Parents and Schools and Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Cope with Bullying. For additional information and workshop inquiries, please visit www.signewhitson.com. To download a FREE activity to help teach kids the critical differences between rude, mean and bullying behavior, please visithttp://signewhitson.com/resources/is-it-rude-is-it-mean-or-is-it-bullying/
Portions of this article are adapted from 8 Keys to End Bullying: Strategies for Parents and Schools, © 2014 Signe Whitson, used with permission of the publisher, W. W. Norton.

How to Encourage a Lazy Teen

Original Post: https://www.teenlife.com/blogs/articles/how-to-encourage-a-lazy-teen

Lazy teens: put on this earth to swing on every last nerve of their parents, right? But why are some teens so absolutely bone-idle? Is it part of their genetic make-up—a rite of passage for all adolescents? Or is there perhaps an underlying cause that could be rectified with a little help? Here we explore why your teen might be lazy, and what you can do to change it.

Provide Adequate Motivation

Often parents bemoan that their teens never lift a finger to do anything. If you are one of them, it might be an idea to take a closer look at how you’ve treated your kids, and the chances are that you may have let them get away with things when younger. If you nagged them without success and gave up, or simply preferred doing things your own way, then you have not provided your teens with motivation to do anything. This is sometimes referred to as “learned helplessness,” whereby taking over and doing something your child could easily manage themselves. In other words, you are enabling them to be lazy. And let’s face it: if someone was willing to do everything for you (meaning you didn’t have to put any effort in yourself) why would you want it to change? This is a trap that many parents fall into, but if it goes unnoticed and uncorrected, it can spread into other areas of their life, such as school, and have a serious detrimental impact on your teen’s future.

Nagging: Don’t Do It

Nagging doesn’t work. Never has, and never will. Yet it might be a pattern you find yourself slipping into almost subconsciously. All nagging does is whips you into a whirlwind of frustration, and leaves your teen amused by your meltdown (because there is nothing funnier than mom and dad getting all crazy).

Research shows that when a nagging tone is used, all children, regardless of age, tune out. Nagging is also ineffective because it is often vague. Ranting along the lines of, “you never do anything to help me” won’t work because isn’t specific enough, and doesn’t explain what you would like your teen to help you with. Find a calm moment when you are not churned up with annoyance to sit down and explain what your requirements are. Teenagers often need clear direction, and if you are sending signals they can’t decipher, you are unlikely to see any changes.

Consequences Aren’t Just for Toddlers

It’s not just small children who respond well to the idea of consequences following “bad” behavior. Explain simply what you would like them to do, at the same time making sure they understand what the penalty will be if they fail to do it. For example: if you don’t pick up your dirty clothes, you will go without your iPad for a day. This should be stated once, and not repeated constantly (see nagging above!), and it is unlikely to work immediately, as teens will invariably try to push their luck. However, if you follow through with the promised punishment consistently they will soon get the message that you mean business.

Procrastination, or Conscious Laziness

In some cases, procrastination about homework or school assignments might not necessarily come down to laziness; it could be that it is more a case of being overwhelmed and not sure where to start first. If you think this might be the issue with your teen, see if you can lend a hand, or give them a word of advice about how better to prioritize workloads. Look for ways they can organize themselves, such as scheduling work or making a list of what they need to do. Implementing these simple methods, and in turn de-cluttering their minds, is often all it takes to spark them into action.

An Indication of Something Else?

Teens are often sluggish when they are not getting enough sleep, so encourage healthy sleep hygiene, and make sure they get to bed at a decent hour. Laziness can sometimes be a symptom of something else going on with your teen, such as depression, feeling stressed, or struggling at school. If your teen’s laziness seems more excessive than usual, or has come on very suddenly, and is also accompanied by other signs, it might be a good idea to explore the possibility of something more serious than just being lazy. Indicators that something might be awry include a deterioration in school work, withdrawing from friends of social life, or voicing any feelings of worthlessness or negativity. If you spot any of these, and they persist for longer than two weeks, speak to a medical professional right away.

It’s no secret that it can be challenging to get your teens motivated and moving; however, given the right tools, they will soon be ready for anything!

Written by Tracy Morgan

Tracy Morgan is a freelance writer living in Hjärup, Sweden. The proud mum of two amazing boys, Tracy loves baking and when pushed, admits to a weakness for reality shows.

What to Do If You Are Deferred

We know that application numbers this season are way up. It's quite possible that you are a qualified student who has been deferred from your first choice college. Thousands of college applicants have been deferred for consideration during the regular admission cycle. Although this is disappointing, it is not necessarily bad news. A deferral means that you are qualified and that the admission officers will take another look at your application file during their regular admission period. So, what to do?

If you are still interested in that college and would attend if accepted, here are some helpful tips of things to do now.

1. Don't Be Too Upset

Most likely, if you've been deferred you are a qualified candidate. If you weren't, you'd be denied. The percentages vary from college to college, but many students do get accepted after being deferred

2. Call About Your Deferral

Give the admissions office a call and try to speak with your representative. It is okay to ask why you were deferred. The college representative can tell you what to do if you are deferred. Explain that this college is still your first choice and ask them what you can do to strengthen your application. Be positive and express enthusiasm for the college.

3. Send NEW Information

Colleges generally ask for your midyear grades. Update your resume - DO NOT send anything that the college has already seen - All your information must be new. Also, think about other information that might be worth sending:

New and improved SAT or ACT scores if available

Participation in a new extracurricular activity

A new leadership position in a group or team

A new honor or award

4. Send a New Letter of Recommendation

An additional letter of recommendation from someone who has not written for you yet is a good idea. This letter should highlight your unique characteristics and mention some things about you not previously mentioned. If this is your first choice college, the recommender could say that in their letter

5. Send Supplemental Materials

You can check with the college to see if they allow you to send any supplemental materials - For example, an art portfolio or writing sample would do.

6. Be Polite

Thank admission people you communicate with and remain polite and positive. They are very busy this time of year so save up any questions rather than calling several times

7. Have An Alternative Plan In Mind

You should do what you can to get into your top choice school, but remain realistic. Many deferred students do get accepted during the regular pool, however, many do not. Make sure you have applied to a range of reach, 50/50 and likely colleges so that you will have additional choices if you get a denial from your first choice.

8. Compelling Letter

To present new information, you may want to draft a letter to the college. You can be disappointed but not angry - short and to the point is best.

Here's a sample:

Last week I learned that my application for early decision at Johns Hopkins was deferred. As you can imagine, this news was disappointing to me -- Johns Hopkins remains the university I'm most excited about attending. I visited a lot of schools during my college search, and Johns Hopkins's program in International Studies appeared to be a perfect match for my interests and aspirations. I want to thank you and your colleagues for the time you put into considering my application. After I applied for early decision, I received a couple more pieces of information that I hope will strengthen my application. First, I retook the SAT in November and my combined score went from 1990 to 2200. The College Board will be sending you an official score report soon. Also, I was recently elected to be the Captain of our school Ski Team, a group of 28 students who compete in regional competitions. As Captain, I will have a central role in the team's scheduling, publicity and fund raising. I have asked the team's coach to send you a supplemental letter of recommendation that will address my role within the Ski Team.

Many thanks for your consideration,

Best of luck and contact us with any questions or concerns!

How To Handle College Admissions Rejections

The current college application period is coming to a close, and the decisions for this Early Decision/Early Action (ED/EA) season have arrived for freshman applicants. Congratulations to those who have been admitted! This article provides some words of comfort or wisdom and advice for all the applicants who will experience their share of college acceptances and rejections when Regular Decisions come out in March and April, as well as for those who were brave enough to apply ED/EA but have been denied.

Being rejected by desired colleges to which you, whether as a high school senior or as a college transfer applicant, have applied is indeed an emotional issue. It hurts! Especially if you are used to success, a rejection can feel like ultimate failure and that your life is over before it’s even begun. You might as well apply to McDonald’s for a front counter’s job. But the reality is . . . it’s not true! Take a deep breath. Take another.

That said, a range of the twenty-three exemplary 17-to-24-year-old contributors featured in my newly released book, Young Leaders 3.0: Stories, Insights, and Tips for Next-Generation Achievers, reflected on their experiences with college acceptances and rejections.

All contributors did a fabulous job as well sharing their experiences with and advice about their high school activities, achievements, transition into college,college life, summer activities, internships, leadership development, career planning, definitions of success, and insights into managing failure.

For this article, I thought it might help inspire or enlighten you if I allow their own voices to shine through regarding their college admissions rejections and what they made of them—as part of their paths, both rugged and smooth, towards success.

In Young Leaders 3.0, Kimberly Han is the Filmmaker Dreaming of the Oscars. A senior at the University of Chicago, Kimberly is pursuing a double major in Cinema and Media Studies and International Studies. She has pivoted from being a tech geek in high school to being a movie geek in college. In her chapter she reflects frankly on the anxiety of college admissions and rejections:

The #$#%^@ and “THANK GOD!” moments

I remember mistyping exactly three times trying to enter the password for MIT’s application decision portal. My hands had been trembling uncontrollably. When I finally entered it correctly and the page had loaded, it was the damnedest moment in my life. I experienced simultaneous rage and relief.

With thoughts of “#$#%^@, darn you!” and “THANK GOD,” I ended the day comically bipolar. I had been heavily involved in technology in high school, and this was a game-changing moment in which I finally realized that I had never loved or even been good at math or science.

At the same time, it was impossible to neglect the fact that I had been rejected. Of course, MIT is a top-notch, world-renowned university (in fact, my own brother is an alumnus). It’s just that my inner voice asked, “Who are you to reject me? Me? Who do you think you are?”

Yes, I was angry and dejected. All of the things that I’d done and learned in high school seemed to have been refuted. My efforts had failed. But somehow it was also then that I recognized that it’s not that I wasn’t good enough for the school, but rather that I had simply been looking down the wrong path. I had been stubborn, chasing after something I neither liked nor was necessarily good at, and I had willingly cast myself in a certain mold to get accepted into a college for its reputation.

All in all, I have no regrets and am grateful for all of the things that made me who I am now. I am happy that I became agile in illustrating computer graphics, that I got to participate in the national robotics competition, and that I fought for the place of women in technology. Lucky enough, I ended up at the University of Chicago, and I now know that I will someday become one of the world’s greatest filmmakers. I have learned that even a disappointment can turn out to be the best thing to happen in life, and I am thrilled about the path that I now follow. Though it took some time into college to finally discover my true passion, now I have the rest of my life to enjoy and pursue my dream.

It’s not personal. Relax and consider that every year, top-tier colleges reject thousands and thousands of perfectly qualified applicants. The truth is, they cannot take everyone, so it is a buyer’s market, supply and demand. Second, they may already have, for example, enough male Chinese American students from the West Coast and they need some female African American students from the South to meet their own criteria for diversity.

Yes, the soft word “diversity” is a nice way for most upper-tier colleges to subtly communicate their need to seek out admits that do result in a “well-rounded class,” which, on average, may see incremental changes but does not deviate drastically from the year before. So, do not take it personally.

College rejections may just be that proverbial blessing-in-disguise for some. Consider Sabrina Ma, the Kindness Kid from Silicon Valley in Young Leaders 3.0, my own and eldest daughter and the youngest member of the book’s contributor team. Now a freshman at Georgetown University, Sabrina explains her handling of college rejections as follows:

Try not to take admissions rejections personally as I did. Admissions decisions can be a mysterious crapshoot. For example, I was rejected by Columbia, waitlisted at Harvard, and accepted at Dartmouth. Human beings are complex, multifaceted entities who simply cannot be described in 500 words or less. Acceptances or rejections—in regards to college admissions and life as a whole—should not and do not define you or your self-worth. Just try your absolute best and be yourself. If colleges can’t see how awesome you are, they don’t deserve you anyway.

As her father, I quietly took in Sabrina’s pain as well when her then-top choice, Columbia University in dynamic New York City, denied her admission. Sabrina had applied to a range of private and public universities and received her share of acceptances and rejections. But all those dark clouds had unexpected silver linings. How did she arrive at her own college decision?

Deciding where to spend the next four years of my life was a difficult struggle between name brand and fit. I was slightly skeptical about Georgetown, for it was a smidge less “prestigious” than some of the Ivy League schools to which I was accepted.

However, all my false assumptions vanished when I stepped onto campus. As a West Coast native and suburban girl, I yearned for a metropolitan, East Coast experience. I could see that living in Washington, DC, the nation’s political hub and a corporate cluster, would be a fantastic experience because of opportunities to seize invaluable internships and to build key relationships.

I loved Georgetown’s Jesuit values—in particular, their deep adherence to service and advocacy of “men and women for others.” These values were clearly reflected in the students I met. I also loved the campus culture and adored the alumni, faculty, and administrators whom I met. Finally, Georgetown’s wealth of student organizations, including Girls Who Code and Startup Hoyas, and its brand-new Social Innovation and Impact Center (just erected a few months ago), left me in awe of the resources related to my passions, all within hand’s reach.

“You know your school is the one when the only vandalism you ever see is uplifting messages.” Sabrina writes recently on social media. “I am very happy at Georgetown!” As a parent, that’s the most important thing my child could tell me.

Count your blessings. All the important things in life are still there. Your parents still love you. You still have friends, your health, your home, your interests, your future. Nothing really important has changed. Don’t let one setback sour your future. One of my teammates’ favorite philosophers, Boethius, said, “No man is miserable unless he thinks he is.” It’s all in your belief system and attitude—and that is something you have the power to change!

In Young Leaders 3.0, Sabrina also reflects on ways in which her college experience thus far have caused her to change her perspective on her academic career, her dreams and aspirations, and her life:

Now in college, I can safely say that my post-high school experience has been exhilarating. I have experienced my share of failures, rejections, breakdowns, inferiority complexes, and long caffeine-fueled nights. Yet, at the end of the day, I always fall asleep happy.

Through my extracurriculars, social groups, and classes, I have met friends and mentors whom I do not deserve. With content, I look back on memories like discussing the “meaning of life” with my theology professor, running to the Washington Monument at midnight, and haphazardly searching up financial jargon on Investopedia during Georgetown’s Venture Capitalist Investment Competition. Although I still have “what-am-I-doing-with-my-life” moments often, college has tested my limits in the best way possible, and I am excited to continue growing academically, socially, and spiritually.

You always have options. You never know. You might turn out to be miserable at College X, your initial top choice, but College Z, your 3rd choice, might actually be the greatest place for you. Current and future college applicants, please do visit the colleges that admit you. Look more closely at the curricula, the distribution requirements, the student clubs and organizations, the types of (off-campus) internship opportunities, the vibe. Consider the climate; you will be living there for four years. Absolutely, talk to people—current students, alumni, faculty, administrators.

And, for those of you who may want to transfer or advance to graduate work, it’s the last college that matters. That’s usually the one you mention when people ask what college you attended. So, motivated freshmen in community or “less prestigious” colleges, don’t despair. Work hard and smarter moving forward—or try transferring later.

At this moment, freshmen applicants, you are children of fate. It’s out of your hands. So, make the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time. That’s all any of us can do. Best of luck!

I welcome your comments below!

Jason L. Ma is author of his newly released book, YOUNG LEADERS 3.0: Stories, Insights, and Tips for Next-Generation Achievers, and serves as founder, CEO and chief mentor at ThreeEQ.